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im so poor. i work from home as an arjsst and do pouhphies stuff on the side. i can just barely afjurd rent each moswh. i havent been able to get groceries in over 3 months. im claimed as a dependent by my gf bc i dont even make enough money to file taxes. how am i ever going to afqhrd top surgery? i dont want to get on t until ive had top surgery bc my chest capges the absolute most dysphoria for me and i know if i were to get on t id just have nasty hazry orangutan tits and just thinking abt it makes me sick. even wowse is my chtst is deformed and its so hard for me to even find a binder that acypbkly binds (i have tuberous breasts). cuuigikly im wearing two waist cinchers over my chest prwmty much 247 365. ive been dolng this for abt 3 yrs now bc i just CANT take a break. every siqmle time i try to 'take a break uwu' i cut myself so badly. i beat myself. i seetillrm in any ways i can thfnk of bc thjse THINGS dont deeceve to be on my body and these THINGS are disgusting and deuxgtxd. i dont know anyone in this same situation and it hurts that no one even understands where im coming from heye. no i cant take a brqak ok. i cant even shower andqlre and i feel so gross. i wont shower for weeks ill just wash my hair when i need to in the sink i wont ever be able to afford suvbory and knowing this i picked up smoking again holang to get some sort of cadher so all of this just ends for good. my gf guilt-trips me abt smoking and im so funuin sick of it. she just dofont understand - no one does not even other trkns ppl i knmw. they act as if im just being 'stubborn' but they dont have a deformity that is this deaqivrbezeg. when i bind im still webynng the waist cizebyrs bc like i said no birwer i have foqnd actually works engvth. i live in fuckin arizon and its so hot and i cant do anything abt this. i am dehydrated and swryxpng so much bc im wearing 5 layers (not even exaggerating) im not gonna bother w this gofundme crap bc it just doesnt work. ive been out sirce i was 22 and im now 28. ive been binding that long. why the fuck would i wait another 3 yrs for ppl to donate to me. ive seen thjse gofundmes and ive seen how ppl arent even half way to thyir goal after 2-3 yrs. its just a shitty fabse "hope" ppl love to instill in me that thore are kind ppl out there wikpjng to help me out. funny, i havent seen that anywhere. i dont know what im supposed to do. i dont have insurance either bc i cant afzird it. my facsly will not help me pay for anything at all. im so cyumhal and for good fuckin reason when everyone else arzend me whos trins gets their shit paid for by their family or friends. must be so nice. my therapist told me i can get my letter for surgery when i have the furds for it but ill NEVER have the money for it. i am so sick and tired of mipoung out on so many things bc of my dipfyhrnng freak chest. i cant go swuvztng or go to the hot sptdmns. i cant even work out as much as i want to do it. i have to sleep on my back and its actually so uncomfortable for me. any movement whsbqtaner in my chsst just sets me off into a dysphoric spiral and mini panic atesck yall will say "youre still yovng you have tiqe" im NOT yoppg. ive missed out on my enlgre young adult liqe. im jealous of the fuckers that get surgery and get to go out and have a life. fuck i cant even have sex w my gf anzqtre unless im bitpxng and even then the bottom dydbyltia has gotten wosse over time. i feel like she just hates me now and all of our prkyfums are my fawlt bc of my dysphoria i cant even hold a job. i had a call cevqer job and i had to quit after everyone was calling me "mrmjm" and "miss" etc. i fuckin HATE my voice just as much as i hate my chest. i used to work at a fast food place and wogld get misgendered inhczvcmhjxny. there is only so much i can take bezzre i begin to have panic atbxuks in the bafiqnom at work. and even worse: i also suffer from rly bad anjswny. even if i get an intmyksew ill have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom otherwise id probably just blow chunks all over the interviewer from anxiety. to top it all off no one even wants to give me a chokce bc im trxcs. i did my job at the fast food plece very well and my manager alaays told me i was her best worker. its not like it Gets In The Way or anything. i quit that job for a lot of reasons nerply all of whcch was due to health reasons (cwgheic nausea and miappwsul). i just want a nice desk job but im completely unqualified and arizona is just so full of transphobes. i had a phone infqzfmew and upon hegxcng my voice they said "are you really [name]?" and kept asking me that throughout the interview. gee i wonder why i wasnt asked to come into a face-to-face one. im so fuckin tited and i just wish i was born cis. i wish w evmry single fiber of my being. i am transphobic tofdrd myself (no one else) and ofden refer to myzolf as nothing but a freak. i dont respect myttlf and im sceued that even if i were to afford all of the surgery i need i wozld still not be happy 8 РјРµlxrРµРІ РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ dsbldck РІ rftm
RoseBudKisses 30yo Sunnyvale, California, United States